Journey of a Swingle guy

Many years ago, when I was still married, I got a job managing an Adult Shop in Southport, on the Gold Coast..

My father knew the owners of the store, and they were looking for a man to work the counter with Schoolies coming up… so, I got a job in SexyLand (not the real name!!)

Most of the time, it was a pretty normal job – managing stock, dealing with customers – the usual retail bullshit…

But – occasionally something happened that reminded me I wasn’t working in Coles!!

A lot of our business came from DVD rental… we had the typical ‘back room’ of adult DVD’S for sale, divided into categories – but we also rented them out.

(Because who’s watching a porno right the way through??) So people – mostly blokes but the occasional couple, would come get their 5 for $50 for a week…

One of our regulars was a guy who was a deaf mute. I mean – I’m assuming he was mute – conversation was a struggle but we managed to understand each other. What no-one told me was that about once a month, he’d get super horny, and want to organise an escort – as you do!

The most natural thing in the world – except for the fact that he’d bring in the local paper with the Adult ads at the back, and ask me to ring & make the arrangements! The first time I felt very out of my comfort zone! I was a married man – I hadn’t talked to a sex worker for some time!!

But the funniest thing was when I was talking to the lady, and explained what the situation was,  she asked me what he was after – after all – she’s running a business here!

So I looked at the guy, and asked him what he was after.

And with a big cheesy grin on his face, he mimed a pair of breasts… But not just any breasts – huge, mountainous bazookas, massive chest-puppies, massive mammories  – you get the picture…

That – I could’ve dealt with…

If he’d left it at that I could have quite easily gone home and forgotten the incident… but – when he grabbed at his crotch, then turned around at pointed at his own bum – it took all my control not to laugh in his face!!

Her reply?

“Well – that will cost extra…”

Another day I had a couple shady looking dudes in looking at the DVDs…

And they just gave off bad vibes from the moment they walked in … subtle, furtive glances, whispered conversation  – they could’ve been more obvious if they had t-shirts that said “Shoplifters Anonymous”…

So instead of waiting behind the counter, I moved to the dividing wall just the other side of the DVD racks, hoping to listen in on their nefarious plans.

Unfortunately for all of us – one of them caught me watching them and I saw the look in his eye that told me he knew that I knew…

Now – they’re at the very back of the store,  and I’m in the middle, between them & the exit–not directly in front of them, but off to the side, near where the dildos and butt-plugs are displayed..

Got that?

Good.

So – they panic & start to run out of the store.

I panic too – because I hadn’t thought any of this through properly, and reach for the closest thing to my hand.

Now, time for a little history lesson: John Holmes was a old-school porn star – one of the founders… If you’ve seen the Mark Wahlberg movie ‘Boogie Nights’ this is heavily influenced by the life & career of John Holmes – who, in his day was said to have the biggest penis in Adult cinema!

Why do I tell you this I hear you ask? Because – dear reader, the item closest to hand wasn’t a stick, or even the baseball bat we had behind the counter – but a life-size John Holmes dildo…

14 inches of veiny rubber, including two good size testicles, sitting on the shelf next to its box, it felt good in my hand if I’m being honest… had a good heft to it–nice & solid. You could probably batter a buffalo to death with this thing I thought, as I chased the two thieves out the front door of the shop into the busy, lunch-time Southport crowd! I dont know who was more surprised – me, or the well-to-do, matronly lady, done up to the nines, suddenly confronted with a man waving a huge rubber penis on the footpath!!

Along with the usual Adult store paraphernalia, we also used to sell these battery-powered graphic-equilizer type t-shirts. The kids used to wear them to raves I guess – they were fairly popular…

So this one day this lovely Gold-Coast type lady comes in – tanned, bleach-blonde hair, fake lips, fake tits – you know what I’m saying…

She grabs a shirt & says she wants to buy one, but would like to check the size…

I say sure, and am just about to say she can use the staff toilet in the back if she’d like to, when she just whips off her shirt standing in front of me at the counter.

No bra, so the girls are out in plain view…

Now – I’ve never been mistaken for Brad Pitt or George Clooney… at this point I’m a happily married man – straight up & down…

But there’s a half-naked lady standing in front of me, clearing wanting some kind of response…

So my brain–because it obviously hates me–gives me this to say:

“They’re nice… are they new?”

Because they were, quite obviously, fake boobs…

And–just like those Letters To Penthouse that I used to read by torchlight under the bed clothes– instead of slapping me, or getting angry, she smiles brightly and says “Oh yes, I just had them done.. Would you like to feel them?”

Today, as I write this, I know the correct way to answer this without sounding creepy…

Back then? The poor innocent version of me just shook my head & said “No thanks – I’m good”…

Where were these ladies when I was 16???